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The following is a transcript of Episode 7: Vampires by The Last Podcast On The Left.

This transcript was based on text automatically generated via YouTube's closed captioning system. If you notice any errors, please feel free to correct them.

TranscriptEdit

00:00

are you 450 pounds can't get off the

00:02

couch you want to suck people's fly

00:03

forces out of the brain let's talk about

00:04

it no BOTS roast beef sandwich all right

00:13

I don't know if we are enough I don't

00:16

think that we are ready to do it I want

00:23

to say welcome to last podcast on the

00:25

left it's a bouquet pod casts its super

00:30

kooky super spooky and I'll tell you

00:32

this episode is going to really suck

00:36

yeah

00:37

guys we're talking about vampires not

00:39

because Kissell I'm sorry but the

00:42

correct pronunciation is vampyre

00:45

vampires we are discussing all things

00:48

vampires today and this is going to be

00:51

an absolute riot I would say if I was

00:52

going to be mauled and sexually harassed

00:54

by any demon creature vampire is the one

00:57

for me especially the redhead from Bram

00:59

Stoker's Dracula oh yeah

01:02

I want him hard and I want him now I

01:04

wanted to bite my neck and make me feel

01:05

like the prettiest gal in Tuscaloosa

01:07

yeah that's what they'll do absolutely

01:09

so much blood

01:10

I am the OCB Oh what you Old Country

01:15

Buffet for vampires I'm a six foot seven

01:19

man with poor circulation the amount of

01:22

blood that's puddled up in my ankle

01:24

right now alone could feed a family of

01:26

five and you just imagine how it must

01:28

taste all the cheese all the sausage

01:32

flavorings going on there all the beefs

01:33

and nacho cheese absolutes and mushroom

01:36

ice cream yeah running through your

01:38

system at times they would probably just

01:41

become so addicted to me they'd be like

01:43

oh man you got any more you got any more

01:45

Ben we need some more bad man

01:46

I'd be like the vampire version of meth

01:49

next thing you know they moved out of

01:50

their castles they're sitting in some

01:52

trailer park there's no windows in it

01:54

for some damn Ruiz got a bunch of face

01:56

sores

01:56

that's bright I don't know why and then

02:00

they're going to go back and they're

02:01

gonna try to talk to the gals that they

02:02

used to be able to court the young

02:04

princesses and queens and they're gonna

02:05

be like looks like you've had a little

02:06

bit too much Ben honey you're gonna have

02:08

to get the hell out of here yeah our

02:09

dang nightmare right now they just do a

02:11

bunch of bend and then go on Facebook

02:13

and look

02:13

the old vampire friends of the use of

02:15

date back in middle high school its

02:17

traffic oh good so you could have been

02:20

who is on this thing I am Benjamin

02:22

Kissel and then of course there's Henry

02:24

Zebrowski vampyre van peers and and I'm

02:28

looking at him right now in his name is

02:30

Marcus Parkes Marcus I say oh it's good

02:33

vampire no Athens thank you you do have

02:35

most uh you were the most vampiric of

02:39

all of us right now oh yeah I'm thin and

02:42

pale yeah you got a nag Lee teeth and

02:44

wildly eyes ah you're petrified so let's

02:48

get it I just wish they could let me be

02:50

a vampire just let me be knowing bad

02:53

vampires I'm sorry buddy just make one

02:55

just a fat fun friendly vampire no you

02:59

can't do it there's no Casper situation

03:02

three Friendly Ghost there's friendly

03:05

demons there's friendly uh sasquatches

03:08

but no friendly vampires it's kind of in

03:10

now what's the Kiefer Sutherland one

03:11

blossom or lost boys lost oh yeah

03:14

there's some do some friendlier ones you

03:15

get Jason Patric and they're so steamy

03:17

sure big hair whoo what a good vampire

03:20

hole just suck all the blood up Monday

03:23

well Jim Carrey's Trek was pretty uh he

03:25

was pretty friendly in once bitten when

03:27

bitten is pretty silly I guess it did

03:29

sort of turn that's a good point there

03:31

is always though the Jim Carrey version

03:33

of reality I mean I don't think he's

03:37

gonna make it I don't think he's gonna

03:39

do it the wins but not jacked off to

03:41

that movie quite often and it took me a

03:42

very long time to realize that she was a

03:44

vampire I didn't understand the overall

03:46

themes yeah it was the coolest mother in

03:48

the world

03:48

yeah you were just you're just you're

03:49

busy jerking off to it right thank you

03:51

it it's like sleeping in a coffin yeah I

03:54

love love it working on coffin I need

03:57

like spy all the spice girl songs I know

03:58

the only because of watching the videos

04:01

over and over relentlessly beating off

04:03

oh my god

04:06

I got to get to off subject but the fat

04:10

one the fat Spice Girl she was always my

04:12

favorite and people call miss Gina Baker

04:14

some baby spice is kind of thick then

04:17

with everyone gonna throw now ginger was

04:18

also kind of big too yeah British well

04:22

yeah that's true I don't woman you don't

04:24

yeah

04:25

a British woman I don't think they have

04:27

a risk of being bitten by too many

04:28

vampires they all have like the perfect

04:30

like all pair bodies yeah that's a good

04:32

point you a flat for me I'm a vampire I

04:37

don't like your big fattie but I just

04:40

hate the fact that they've made vampires

04:42

so sissy now I know that technically it

04:45

started with like Bela Lugosi and the

04:48

like even far back to like Bram Stoker's

04:50

original novel like making the vampire

04:53

seem like a funny little FOP or just

04:55

sort of like a rich person because it's

04:58

like in China

04:59

vampires like let this not be I'm not

05:02

gonna racist every time on any of these

05:06

podcasts I do swear it's butter and

05:08

someone says in China right well we're

05:11

gonna lose all our Chinese listeners

05:12

right now no I believe they have the

05:15

cutest feet they're all wrapped around

05:17

themselves um the Chinese vampires

05:21

though are like tiny covered in hair and

05:25

ferocious monsters that are will

05:27

werewolf no they have like because they

05:29

like in a lot of folklore like

05:32

werewolves and vampires are kind of

05:34

mixed up because kind of it's all sort

05:36

of like which you can imagine is is in a

05:39

town in Romania they had what would

05:42

probably be considered now a serial

05:43

killer that they had to in order for

05:45

them to understand the kind of like lump

05:47

it all together that there's a bad side

05:49 - man that is beastial run you kind of 05:51

like it just turned into vampire over

05:54

time Yeah right well and of course the

05:56

werewolf story probably comes from some

05:59

very aggressive maulings from actual

06:01

wolves yeah and they were like you

06:03

should have seen it it's similar to a

06:05

you know the big fish story it was ten

06:06

feet long when reality was Harley it was

06:09

a throwback and it was back oars it's

06:11

like back in the day where it's like

06:12

someone like you know at Larsson where

06:15

it's like if you met him and you made

06:16

love to him even once and you were so

06:18

afraid of it in ashamed of it after eyes

06:20

that like you had to make a werewolf

06:22

story or a vampire story afterwards I

06:24

mean just a koala me or own brain just

06:26

be like I did not have sex with that

06:28

hideous person he had to be a demon

06:31

monster for more from Ed Larson listened

06:33

to middle relief it comes out every wins

06:36

a round table of gentlemen all sports

06:38

all the time

06:39

the reason though which I thought was

06:40

interesting with vampires it came from a

06:44

basic fear of human discount

06:46

decomposition yeah they just couldn't

06:48

understand because apparently when you

06:49

die you're real fat and if you don't go

06:53

through the embalming process you're

06:54

gurgly up in the old under Bulow's yeah

06:56

and so they would hear these coffins

06:59

they would like hear these people making

07:01

noises and sounds they would dig them up

07:04

and then apparently it's not the nail

07:07

that continues to grow the human nail

07:09

the skin reels back yeah so it looks

07:12

like the ma and their hair grows yeah so

07:14

it looks as if they've had some crazy

07:16

life where they're going out at night

07:18

sucking on people's bloods and going

07:20

back to the coffin over there they've

07:21

got gigantic hard-ons as well

07:23

absolu is that right yeah when you die

07:25

you're supposed to eat shit your pants

07:27

and get real hard they call it angel

07:29

lust why do you wait till you die to do

07:30

that that's terrible

07:33

I live my whole life to shit my pants

07:34

and get an erection which is another fun

07:36

thing that was just completely based on

07:38

human ignorance yeah you know and that's

07:41

fine but yet so you just a bunch of

07:43

people just real confused about it made

07:45

a vampire so just easier to believe that

07:46

vampires access them but your body

07:48

changes after you're died or that your

07:50

soul I guess didn't go to to a non

07:52

existence place in this guy yeah yeah I

07:55

mean I think that I think I wish that

07:58

vampires were real as opposed to the

08:01

fact that it's just a really sad end of

08:03

everybody's life where we just turn into

08:05

a big puddle of liquid goo yeah it would

08:08

be great if it would be cool to wake up

08:10

in the middle of the night go suck a

08:11

little bit of blood and I don't even

08:13

think you necessarily have to kill the

08:14

woman or the man and theoretically you

08:16

could suck a man's blood how do you want

08:18

to do it was this was it just seems a

08:20

lot of things were fed into it along the

08:22

lines of like people's guilty feelings

08:25

about like lustful ideas and and it's

08:29

very much tied into like sexuality as

08:31

well and the biddin thing about I don't

08:35

know I think you can label anybody as a

08:37

vampire who was probably at the time

08:39

just like really into being spanked or

08:40

like really into like people which we

08:43

have now but back then you just

08:45

immediately be vampire no I mean in

08:47

vampire stories are real there was just

08:49

a story couple of years back and of

08:51

it was some goth 17-year old boy yeah

08:53

and he ended up killing his girlfriend

08:56

in a ritual where they were drinking

08:57

each other's blood I remember that and

08:59

he just took too much it's like the end

09:02

of the original scream where they stab

09:05

each other he's like think you cut me

09:06

deep man exactly perfect at some point

09:12

you'd be like all right I'm gonna need

09:13

some of that back I'm gonna need some of

09:14

that blood all right you're gonna have

09:15

to be alive to continue this whole

09:17

process I'm just loving this blood

09:18

though spy adapter pide my mom very much

09:22

believes in vampires now my mom you said

09:23

your mother we had a conversation

09:25

recently and you said your mother

09:27

thought that her soul was being

09:29

possessed by a vampire

09:31

but it turns out to be like years on the

09:33

line and so my mom had a problem with

09:35

absorbing calcium but uh back in the day

09:38

she attributed all these like weird like

09:41

tired feelings to my we used to go to

09:43

this this very new agey Church that was

09:46

an interfaith like ministry were like

09:49

you you do like Muslim things and Jewish

09:52

things you can celebrate and you like

09:53

learn about all the stuff but it was in

09:55

the back of this like 12-step store

09:56

there was also like a crystal and

09:58

healing store and the woman who worked

10:00

there and owned it was convinced that

10:03

she was a psychic and she used to like

10:05

give us like past life regressions and

10:07

we used to do all this like weird sort

10:09

of like psychic stuff and my mom was

10:11

really into it and just became to

10:12

believe that the reason why should feel

10:13

like this was that someone had put a

10:15

curse on her a psychic vampire was

10:18

hunting her ah this is intense psychic

10:22

vampire and all vampire yeah that's

10:24

beautiful and then when did she come to

10:26

terms of the fact that that was total

10:28

lunacy what you just knew after a while

10:31

I mean in the end there's just no

10:33

vampires there just aren't any I've

10:35

never even heard of a psychic vampire

10:37

before I think it needs to be explored

10:39

more but then you have people who sell

10:42

millions of dollars worth of books and

10:44

how to defend yourself from psychic

10:45

vampires do you think that Rohm party

10:49

needs to drop inside and start making a

10:51

movie about a psychic grandma absolutely

10:55

indiegogo.com

10:56

give some money to run birdies

10:58

you feel mall about psychic vampire

11:01

starring Henry Zebrowski 's mother I'm

11:03

not sure who I won't do suck you psychic

11:07

shit I don't know what am i using form

11:10

of being a vampire too it's like get off

11:12

your get out of your esophagus or what

11:15

are you cassava cassava uh uh de yeah

11:18

sarcophagus sarcophagus uh not not your

11:21

throat per se are you 450 pounds can't

11:23

get off the couch you want to suck

11:24

people's life forces out of the brain

11:26

let's just think about it a whole bunch

11:28

me that's the thing it's like the

11:30

equivalent of someone Stivers

11:32

cyberstalking so get out there go into

11:35

their tree look in that window with your

11:37

own two eyes that's really only way

11:39

you're gonna see some new T's as if

11:40

you're looking in their house or like

11:41

videotape in their bathroom okay these

11:44

days yeah oh my goodness yeah well I'll

11:46

tell you I think sec psychic vampire

11:48

sounds a hell of a lot cooler than the

11:50

current trend of vampires which has been

11:52

the pacification of all things violent

11:55

it's it's awful now with the twilights

11:58

and well I guess we did say the last

12:00

good film I think we can all agree was

12:02

let the right one end which is fucking

12:03

amazing

12:04

yeah such a great movie and I love the

12:06

conundrum of being a 13 year old girl

12:08

vampire and what is she was she was

12:11

thousands of years old right yeah but

12:13

the original version of that movie I

12:15

mean the I went to see the what was that

12:17

letting me in the American one which was

12:19

garbage

12:20

honestly like well the movies already

12:22

been made I hate remakes that come a

12:24

year later with only and the only

12:26

difference is well you don't gotta read

12:27

it we don't gotta read the words it to

12:30

say and it's like it's so easy to do I'm

12:32

it literally I'm gonna eat illiterate

12:34

human being yeah I can I only read words

12:37

best if they're written in crayon and

12:39

the and it was it's so simple to watch a

12:42

movie and read two sentences every

12:44

minute in the original movie is so like

12:46

emotional and subtle and but then the

12:49

violence is really intense like the

12:51

violence is like pretty graphic and

12:53

really good and then they just had to

12:54

add a bunch of computer shit to the new

12:56

one floors doesn't matterr american

12:58

piece of shit they can throw money at it

13:00

all they want it's like all you need to

13:02

do that's the nice thing when you have a

13:04

film and it's it's peaceful and it's

13:05

like calm like let the right went in

13:07

when she jumped jumps off the bridge and

13:09

kills somebody it's like whoa

13:12

what the hell's light happened yeah it's

13:13

crazy because that's not supposed to be

13:14

happy in this normal world American

13:16

movies they always they just assume that

13:19

more special effects make this bet makes

13:21

it better and really it has really hurt

13:23

the horror job oh my god you mean you're

13:26

hurting my imagination

13:27

yeah the fake blood thing is pathetic if

13:29

I go to a movie set and it's a horror

13:31

movie there's no real blood all over

13:32

that set it's gonna be a huge piece of

13:35

shit yeah just let's see the blood I

13:37

want to see the blood I want to see

13:39

actual blood

13:40

you can't shooting out of you because I

13:42

can't do that in real life yeah and I

13:43

mean I can't kill people don't make the

13:45

psychic vampires it's also extremely

13:47

lazy just get blood there I go we'll do

13:49

it in pose just do it now

13:50

but that's a thing - going back to like

13:52

sort of old age vampires is like they

13:55

used to say that the vampires were

13:57

supposed to like tear you to pieces like

13:59

right rip open your whole throat like

14:01

suck it out which is why when Jack the

14:03

Ripper happen like immediately everyone

14:05

was assuming was somebody who like

14:07

thought they were a vampire oh really

14:09

yeah they were Jack the Ripper and then

14:11

there was uh what's-his-name

14:13

the vampire dusseldorf 19:27 who was one

14:19

of the hugely prolific German serial

14:23

killer fucker what he that's the thing

14:25

about the Germans they can get away with

14:27

being a sailor killer because uh oh you

14:28

hear what happened to Dusseldorf yeah

14:30

it's a chilling women now who's like oh

14:32

you were doing that for some time now

14:35

oh do so is so crazy well that day when

14:38

he was just killing women was just like

14:40

was an accepted hobby right in Germany

14:43

well good good god it's still going on

14:44

now I would say what do you think about

14:47

that conundrum though so if you're aware

14:49

wolf you turn into a werewolf on a full

14:51

moon if you're if you're a a whole

14:53

series of if you're a vampire you have

14:55

to stay the same age as you are when you

14:57

became a vampire

14:58

which makes you which you can be really

15:00

sexy then you can't be ever but I feel

15:02

like what age would you want to be bit

15:04

number one and number two if you are bit

15:06

at a just sucks like if you're eight

15:09

years old for the rest of your life and

15:10

an interview with the vampire interview

15:12

with a vampire that is a hell worse than

15:16

living in Minnesota at the same time I

15:17

don't want to exist at this age forever

15:19

I look terrible enough but the thing is

15:21

I've always looked terrible there's

15:23

never been a period of time in which I

15:25

wish I wish

15:25

I would have been stuck that's you know

15:27

Henry I would tell you get bit now I

15:29

mean if you're gonna become a vampire

15:30

vampire at any moment in your life do it

15:32

now well think about very 45 should

15:34

pushing 400 pounds well I mean Elvis

15:37

side's vampire would be amazing

15:39

they just don't exist though I just

15:41

don't understand that because there's

15:43

what a hungriest vampire yes yeah you

15:47

would be Hunger everyone else yeah

15:49

exactly you would you would totally it's

15:51

like when you put too much carp into a

15:53

lake to eat all the fish all the other

15:56

vampires would be ghastly and did as a

15:59

French woman and they're like what's

16:00

going on somebody bit the fattest man in

16:03

the world yeah Bach ins didn't look back

16:07

their moves are gross horoscope oh no oh

16:12

god damn it

16:14

Warren why'd you bite in the fattest man

16:17

in the world he's just eaten fried blood

16:19

yeah yeah that's all I guess has to eat

16:22

it with cheese a like a blood dumpling

16:24

please not blood dumpling watchers are

16:27

so good yeah you see does he keep the

16:29

same hours as a vampire there's no

16:31

reason for him to go outside no I'm not

16:34

during the day that'd be that'd be gross

16:36

I don't even know if you physically

16:37

could go outside you might be bedridden

16:38

which is the saddest of all they're

16:40

gonna come to you so he just keeps

16:41

calling for delivery just an IV show

16:43

like whenever they literally show up to

16:45

his door he just like hits him over the

16:47

head with the hammer legs like drags his

16:50

body to the front door and as they come

16:52

in just like cluck

16:54

yeah then suck libido sucks it like

16:56

that's about let's like rascal wait yeah

16:58

like a guy could still get out he could

17:00

still get on his rascal and like scoot

17:02

away fat vampire I have a van Helsing

17:08

who's also 450 have right it's like a

17:11

constant it is like one of those eternal

17:14

struggles between the two of them

17:16

because they literally can't get to the

17:18

same room a lot of heavy breathing yeah

17:20

I love it dad I think that would be a

17:23

perfect perfect way to live as a vampire

17:25

have you amazing rattling around here no

17:27

one would suspect you yeah yours the

17:29

morbidly obese dude everyone's like ah

17:30

beats tons and tons of food he's like

17:31

what I do eat a lot but it's not food

17:33

hey boys what is your blood Little Bo

17:35

Oh that'll be so fun the whole series of

17:38

Boy Scouts stored up in your freezer I

17:40

wish that John Wayne Gacy said that

17:42

tentative the children that hurt that's

17:44

the Oh we'll get your blood in the boy

17:46

poor little boy oh boy okay ginger I

17:49

think John Wayne Gacy is the closest

17:51

thing we've ever had to a fat vampire

17:53

isn't he he's just a toad I go back

17:54

definitely would you is he the fattest

17:57

serial killer oh yeah John Wayne Gacy

17:59

what are the numbers on that I mean he

18:01

had to be a pushin 380 and in his prime

18:03

yeah use it diggin yeah I mean John

18:05

Candy ask I can't imagine I can't think

18:08

of a fatter serial killer because most

18:09

serial killers have a little bit too

18:11

much self-respect you know they love

18:14

themselves to the point where they're

18:16

just like I would never ever want to see

18:18

a gut around this beautiful man body you

18:21

know I mean not to mention if you're

18:23

gonna be a proper vampire or a serial

18:25

killer you gotta get a run yeah you got

18:27

a stalk I'm gonna put your time you have

18:29

sneak you can't sneak when you're 400

18:31

pounds no that's a it's naked you're

18:33

sneaking is just you standing it's just

18:36

widest you're gonna see I mean

18:39

absolutely it's like I was in a movie

18:41

the other day and there was a huge

18:42

morbidly obese fella who came in 15

18:43

minutes late and he did one of those

18:45

like oh hey don't wanna don't notice me

18:47

nobody knows me that's right buddy any

18:49

like Santa Claus yeah I literally

18:51

eyeballing you right who's getting the

18:52

gifts is Oprah in town real going home

18:54

with something jumpin John Wayne Gacy

18:56 'he's uh stats 5-8 222 honey at 5 acres 19:01

in him

19:01

I'm Saturday I beat him on five seven to

19:05 30 no I want shit well you look great so 19:13

keep it up I mean I you should be happy

19:15

you're too fat to be a vampire no one's

19:17

coming after you I might be too tall I'm

19:19

not man enough

19:20

I'm the perfect vampire victim you are

19:22

well that's the thing what a fat lump

19:24

like if you saw me sleep in my bed cuz

19:26

you know how I sleep it's like you know

19:29

yeah you gotta juice arms or like a

19:31

handkerchief like floating over my mouth

19:33

as I sleep you know like Paris you just

19:35

go right for my belly you won't even go

19:37

to my neck he's being like Elliott

19:40

invite I don't I don't know though

19:41

because I don't think the belly is full

19:43

of as much blood as you might think

19:45

Oh matter people have worse circulation

19:47

it might be easier for

19:49

the vamper to go after somebody thing

19:50

get rid of those veins yeah sure you

19:52

might have to work through some stuff

19:53

did the things but I also think they use

19:56

the tongue Macau the neck is an obvious

19:58

place but it would also be like he'd

20:00

probably have to also like munch up near

20:02

between where my balls touch my legs

20:04

you know me line the crook of the leg

20:07

where your where your balls are there

20:09

and there's the inside the elbow of your

20:11

leg it's not your knee elbow it's the

20:13

other one about the inside ones Hardy

20:16

vein you gotta get in there right oh

20:17

really good enough just like it just be

20:20

going whoa whoa there buddy whoa what's

20:23

going on here oh my goodness I feel so

20:25

bad for that poor vampire everyone's

20:27

making fun of him he's been a for being

20:29

a chubby chaser I just I can't get all

20:32

these on that kids ID I need the fat

20:34

ones now you're so weird Warren uh no my

20:37

name is Warren but I love God's Warren

20:39

Warren the vampire it seems like a

20:42

pretty adorable

20:43

hey-ya only does the fatties i'd love a

20:47

good old-fashioned r-rated Pixar movie

20:49

about Warren the vampire oh I do an

20:51

r-rated movie I'm sorry it would be

20:53

amazing all about Warren the vampire

20:55

going around just you know not the butt

20:57

holes of fat dudes I don't know why he

21:00

loves those butt holes but he just needs

21:02

him I never seen a vampire need butt

21:05

holes more than war in the band you got

21:08

crystals like his sidekick is a little

21:10

fat bat that hangs out with him I love

21:12

it we've got edge literally not educated

21:17

anybody about vampires so which is my

21:20

favorite I'm fine with this it's hard to

21:23

educate people about vampires they know

21:25

about them

21:26

vampires are I mean they're just like

21:28

just so not real is it the gears

21:31

Washington or wheeling also there's more

21:34

scary things in real life than vampire

21:35

but theoretically you could anyone can

21:37

be a vampire all you do is drink blood

21:38

stay up all night dress horribly but you

21:41

have a but you have a bunch of shitty

21:42

rules that you gotta follow and you're

21:44

gonna die well and you has a person

21:47

although you know I think you have about

21:50

five years of really thinking you're

21:52

never gonna die but then you're going to

21:53

hit 30 and you just realize I get hung

21:56

over more now my liver hurts

21:59

yeah I'm Bush packing on the pounds I'm

22:01

eating less somehow

22:02

getting fatter and for some reason I

22:04

want to have children so I don't know

22:06

what the hell is going on I guess hey

22:08

guys

22:09

that's exactly my life that's exactly

22:12

the way that I feel and for the first

22:14

time in my life I realize I'm not a

22:16

vampire uh it sucks s yeah not the good

22:20

kind of suck ass nose the sad kind of a

22:22

Morty dead sucker to warn the vampire

22:24

sucking ass which is you dying right

22:27

Marcus what days do you want to become a

22:28

vampire I would say right now would be

22:31

fine right pretty half one it maybe like

22:33

two years ago yeah something like that

22:35

yeah like mid 20s like 26 27 would have

22:38

been pretty good that'd be good starting

22:40

to shit I'm starting to show a little

22:41

bit more exactly and that's the thing

22:43

you get been at 80 you're just an old

22:45

decrepit dude and you know there's a

22:48

fine there's a huge difference between

22:50

the kind of blood you're gonna be able

22:52

to get if you're 80 maybe you could

22:54

court some senile gal in an old folks

22:56

home but you don't want to be doing that

22:58

forever no you don't be doing it forever

22:59

so you want to die you want to become a

23:01

vampire you know when you can still get

23:03

that nice for the Reggiana vagina yeah

23:05

when you take off your shirt to sparkle

23:07

in the daylight you retract appart young

23:11 18 year old girls and that's the thing 23:13

about vampires right they're not allowed

23:14

to go into the daylight it's why are

23:16

they comedians vampires and comedians

23:19

are the exact same thing it's yeah if

23:20

it's the same lifestyle it's a say but

23:23

there's there's all sorts of rules and

23:25

you know we're not static they're all

23:27

change a lot of them say you can come

23:29

out in the daytime and then there's like

23:30

they're really like you know you could

23:32

check googly so you can kill a vampire

23:34

by stabbing him in the heart

23:35

right and kill a vampire we're shooting

23:37

with the Silver Bullet same thing with

23:39

Liza where we'll put it which by the way

23:40

will kill anything yeah well the bullets

23:42

still fucking bullet and then the other

23:45

thing is to chop up stuff it's mouth

23:47

full of garlic chopped up his head burn

23:49

the head and then burn the body which is

23:51

what they used to do to corpses he said

23:53

dig up corpses yup its head full of

23:55

garlic and then cut it off which is just

23:57

another dis random shit oh did he not

24:00

come back from that oh yeah oh my god

24:02

then we go the damn hair yeah thank God

24:05

we did that I was fairly certain he was

24:07

coming back

24:07

I just waiting for like I just feel like

24:09

it was just one guy who walked into a

24:11

graveyard and was just like everyone

24:12

stayed over there I was like oh sure

24:14

where the vampire is and goes and digs

24:15

up a guy and then

24:16

like pulls up his body was like right we

24:19

get the Bernie style yeah exactly

24:22

a vampire a vampire

24:25

have you seen vampires kiss oh I don't

24:27

even know how they do it no vampires the

24:30

movie oh I've never seen vampires kiss

24:33

the movie and I've never seen vampires

24:35

kiss in real life I mean because to me

24:37

it just seems like it's just gonna

24:39

inevitably end up with both of them dead

24:41

I just want to plug this movie and say

24:42

that if you see if you listen to this

24:44

podcast vampires kiss is a fucking

24:47

must-see Nic Cage plays a businessman

24:50

who believes he's becoming a vampire and

24:53

it's his performance in that movie is

24:56

one of the most incredible leading men

24:58

performances you'll ever see it's not

24:59

good okay it's not a good performance

25:02

but it's I could say brave but it's more

25:06

like brazenly wrong and confident in

25:09

being that way and that's what he does

25:11

best

25:11

was it this the movie that he had it in

25:13

his contract he could do whatever he

25:15

wanted this was that was another movie

25:17

that was like a siddha forgot the

25:18

fucking we were talking about it last

25:20

night um he played a private detective

25:22

of that word and he showed up on set

25:24

with cap teeth of bronzer all over him

25:26

and awake on and it's just him doing nut

25:29

shit

25:30

but in vampires kiss that's where the

25:32

whole scene come from see it's like how

25:34

hard is it to file like how cuz I would

25:36

make a mistake working the follies it

25:38

goes hey B C D G H I J game BAM he goes

25:46

through this whole the whole alphabet

25:48

whole alphabet oh wow incredible well

25:51

yet I have it on DVD

25:52

vampires kiss come from my house it

25:55

sounds like a beautiful smut porn that

25:57

Osama might have been watching as well

25:58

oh yeah I love that he was drunk a jerky

26:01

jerking it off I hope they were getting

26:03

him while he was jerking off I'd love

26:04

that they'll be very tragic well some

26:06

oven Laden was a fucking vampire I'd

26:08

shoot him two times in the head again

26:09

just to watch him go like no with the

26:15

snake that's it with an actual t-bone

26:18

steak yo him that's good it does no

26:20

reason we should stick with that don't

26:22

waste that snake that's a good steak get

26:23

out shake gotta hit that steak fat

26:25

vampire

26:26

I'll warn the fat vampire I don't know

26:29

why they keep

26:30

I'm trying to stab me with these steaks

26:31

I just want to eat this day every time

26:34

they try to stab with this thing I eat

26:36

this day all right this is been the

26:39

dumbest piece of read you guys listen to

26:44

this is really good are they gonna die

26:46

either steak so much another thing I

26:48

warn the vampire I don't know why they

26:51

don't hang out with me

26:52

it's me bitch your best friend bitch

26:54

let's go get some sports okay that's it

26:58

that's a fast buck at the Fred Riza

27:01

browse game

27:02

Vargas barks I'm ed Kissel we will

27:03

entertain you next week vampires

27:06

I like this day

27:09

[Music]